You know you’ve thought it.
At the time you might have been hyper and over-emotional. Your mother might have been being overprotective, or not suitable protective. Someone was trying to cheer you up. People were being uneducated, people were blaming you, or asking you stupid questions about whether you had been a fat child. You might have spent your holidays in hospital. Kids/ classmates might have teased you or called you unhygienic. You might have had a seizure, or gotten depression or a huge range of other psychological issue surrounding diabetes. You might have had diabulimia or an eating disorder. You might have had a chocolate bar to get you through ‘study week’ and boom! You are hospitalised. Or worse. You are just sick all night the day an assignment is due, and you have to make up an excuse because diabetes isn’t good enough. Because diabetes is weak. And people are misinformed. You might have tried super, duper, really hard just to be as healthy as other people take for granted. But at some point you felt sorry for yourself. You might have thought “why me” or “I don’t even know what healthy feels like” or “everything bad that is happening to me arose from that single moment I was diagnosed. I wish I had died just then, and not had to fight this never-ending battle for life. Knowing how truly hard humans cling to life. How truly worthwhile it really is”. All the while they are there with their misinformation, their lack of suitable diabetes education (and yes that includes doctors) to tell you “at least you don’t have cancer”. And it feels like shit. Because you are struggling so hard to live, everyday. And life is such a balancing beam. Maybe it would be better to have cancer, people are informed about cancer. There are so many people out there with type two diabetes, that everyone just thinks you’re being a baby. Or they worry over you, or tell you that you can’t eat things because you are diabetic (aka ‘abnormal’) and ask a lot of tired questions. People think you are strong for battling cancer. And then if you didn’t succeed, well hey, at least your dead (and at least no-one would be able to blame you). Not blind, on dialysis and shaky because your nervous system doesn’t work anymore. All the while knowing that, while people feel sorry for you, they also think it is your own goddam fault. Because when you were 16 you ate the same crap as everyone else, because you wanted to fit in. Because you didn’t realise the damage a large collection of single tiny hyper moments did. And because, really. If they had it they would be battling the same battle you are. Because sometimes you feel alone. No-one really understands it. And from what I’ve noticed, looking at other youth/ teens with diabetes. Diabetes fucks you up. It gives you mental problems. It makes you feel different. Or maybe it’s just because-what with all those teen hormones running around screwing up your body- you don’t need any more hormone issues. And guess what, insulin is a hormone. Way to throw off the balance. It leads to OCD or anorexia, bulimia, control issues, issues with authority, issues with secretly feeling left out, ( or having to be mature and actually leave yourself out of things because you can’t do them) or extreme obesity (because you just can’t control it anymore and you are eating and eating and eating away those lows)… And some people are lucky enough to have support network, but if you are still reading this, then my guess is that you don’t. And only the strong can make it through.
I’m here today to tell you that you are strong, and you aren’t alone, in the very best way I can say that. Being young and diabetic is actually pretty hard. It’s what my ex would call a pendulum. I’ve seen diabetics who are completely fine and normal, and can’t relate to any of this crappy stuff, and I’ve met diabetics who have tried to kill themselves in numerous ways, are out of control, and deliberately planning to die young, or have a few psychological issues (which I believe probably relate back to being a mismanaged diabetic). I’m interested in seeing how diabetes effects people’s lives.
Mainly, if you are feeling crappy about being diabetic, then you aren’t alone. It is hard work, people are misinformed, and they simply lack the ability to understand what you are going through. Even when you meet other diabetics and you hear ‘XYZ is in law school getting high distinctions’ and you think, but how? Diabetes leaves me constantly lethargic. I could never do that because I’d just get sick in the middle of an exam or something. Don’t feel down. I bet XYZ has had their bad moments too, diabetes effects us all in different way. It’s just that diabetes is one of those disease which are so misunderstood that XYZ wouldn’t want to admit it. And half the long-term mismanaged diabetics my age that I’ve met are too sick to even admit that they are sick. They wouldn’t know healthy if it punched them on the nose.
You can’t do what normal people can. No matter what anyone says. You can’t. At least not with a normal amount of effort. No, for you it is going to be hard. You are going to have to fight the battle twice as hard. You are going to have to follow a routine, and look after your health like a pro athlete would. But it is worth it. And you are worth it. And you should feel good for getting this far, and you should conquer every high and every low as best as you can. Feel confident and brave and not alone. The closer you get to having well monitored levels. The closer you will get to ‘normalcy’.
That’s the irony of diabetes. In order to start being normal, first you have to accept that you are different. First you are going to have to acknowledge your diabetes and give up on all this ‘but I just want to be normal’ shit, and turn it into ‘I just want to be healthy’ shit.
Stop wanting cancer, and stop listening to a lot of people and a lot of stupid opinions is the first step.
Alive is good.
Alive is so super fabulously good.
Alive and diagnosed.
Fuck that is brilliant.